we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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