ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
