You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
