The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
