All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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