I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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