I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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