party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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