I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
