your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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