So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hippo gnu deer
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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