when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
