My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
