Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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