I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
