a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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