do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
