the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He? As in you personified your dick?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
