i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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