New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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