The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
