Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
