3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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