Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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