Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits