First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.