Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.