but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
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Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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