So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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