i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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