chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
