Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
