I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I am spending my child support on dildos
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
