for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
