i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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