I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
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On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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