So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
