2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
