I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
