Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
