i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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