My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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