btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
