Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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