you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
