i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
