does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
