The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
