By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
