i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Randomize
