if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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