you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
