you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
