He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I pour the whiskey from now on
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
