Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
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