And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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