Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
