so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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