everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
