she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
