I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
