I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
