You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
