I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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