the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
